The Best Turkey Sandwich Ever

Anyone can make a turkey sandwich and, truth be told, anyone could make The Best Turkey Sandwich Ever. Really, the only thing standing in anyone's way is that they probably don't yet know how. This is where this guide comes in. I will try to provide thorough instructions for making The Best Turkey Sandwich Ever.

I discovered The Best Turkey Sandwich Ever by accident one night while living in New York City. For you see, I was unemployed at the time and didn't have too much money to throw around on food. As fate would have it, on that night, much like on a myriad of countless other nights that had preceded it (and subsequently on many nights thereafter), I happened to be very hungry. In a sad, strung-out, state of desperation, I languidly scavenged my apartment for something to hold me over until breakfast. I found some deli meat, cheese and half a loaf of unwanted challah bread that my sister gave to me last time I bothered to go uptown to visit her. Confronted with such limited supplies, the solution seemed rather obvious; cobble these culinary elements together and make a sandwich. Although, looking back upon it, I can only attribute this particular chance arrangement of sandwich materials to the benevolent hand of some archaic pantheon of gods; perhaps viking. I like vikings.

Anyhow, I crafted the sandwich to my preference and took a bite. By some happy accident of the cosmos, I, in my pathetic desperation not to scrounge together some pocket change and walk a block and a half for a slice of sicilian pizza, had chanced upon The Best Turkey Sandwich Ever.

I've kept this to myself for too long. For the greater good of humanity, I am going to share my process with you today. If you follow these directions carefully, you too can live the rich prosperous life that can only come with The Best Turkey Sandwich Ever.

This is the most important part. Follow these directions very carefully.

1. You will need challah bread. Make sure the challah bread is kosher. The sandwich is by no means kosher, but it is very important that the challah bread should be. You should never trust challah bread that is not certified kosher.

2. You can not have The Best Turkey Sandwich Ever without turkey. Do not buy pre-packaged turkey. Go to the deli counter at your local supermarket and demand they slice 1/2 a pound of fresh turkey for you. The type of Turkey you get is very important. Make sure the turkey is all lean meat and not fat and bloated on filler garbage (I'm looking at you Sarah Lee!). Ask the helpful deli customer service representative for the most plain, natural, turkey that is all meat and without any filler. They should be able to recommend something for you. If they seem hopelessly confused by your question, ask for Boar's Head turkey. You can't go too wrong with that.

3. If you happen to live in a region of the country where they will freshly slice American Cheese from a large block (preferably Land-O-Lakes), ask them to cut you a quarter pound of freshly sliced white American Cheese. If, like me, you happen to live on the wrong coast, where people clearly have no standards, even for artificial processed food-stuff like American Cheese, then go the counter anyway and request a quarter pound of their pre-sliced white American Cheese swill. Even the pre-sliced American Cheese swill behind the counter is leagues beyond the pre-packaged garbage you will find in the dairy section.

4. Original Hellmann's Mayonnaise (alternately Best Foods). End of story.

5. Lettuce is optional. The original sandwich pictured here did not have lettuce. However, adding lettuce is a neutral endeavor that adds a little crunch, if you are into such a thing. Anyhow, it does not detract from the beauty of the sandwich. Which, really, is the best you can hope for in making modifications to The Best Turkey Sandwich Ever.

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Slice the end off the loaf of challah bread. This part is unsuitable for a sandwich. Instead, eat it.

Make two more slices that are between 3/4" to 1" thick.

Pile turkey atop the challah bread. I find a good height to pile the turkey is about 3/5 the height of the challah. You can bend, cut or simple tear the turkey so it sits nicely and evenly atop the bottom slice of bread.

Place 2 -3 slices of cheese atop the turkey. You can rip the cheese so that it sits nicely and evenly atop the turkey. The theory on this is that there should be roughly two distinguishable layers of cheese sitting atop the turkey.

Open your jar of Hellmann's Mayonnaise and spread a generous and even coat on the other piece of bread.

Once the mayonnaise is spread, quickly place the aforementioned piece of bread on top of the cheese, such that the mayonnaise covered side is facing down.

Cut your sandwich into two neat halves. As challah is not a rectangular sort of bread, I advise against cutting it diagonally.

Serve immediately. I recommend using a plate to prevent crumbs from getting on the floor.