Monster Snot

Monster Snot is a little known delicacy that can be found only in the colder months, primarily October (the beginning of the official Monster Cold season), if one knows how to find it.

First, you must search the deepest, darkest forests and dampest, dustiest caves, for signs of a monsters lair. Trampled bushes, uprooted trees, piles of bones, etc. Then you must locate the monster (while he or she is sleeping of course) and carefully (very carefully) sneak up and collect the snot. This can be done a couple of ways. One is by scraping it off of the cave floor into a jar. Or, for those who don't mind slightly aged Monster Snot, you can search for the waste basket and collect the used hankies from it, then wring them out over your jar. For the truly daring, it may be possible to collect some fresh, warm snot straight from the source, by placing the jar directly under the monster's nose. I don't recommend this method unless you have very fast reflexes and a very soundly sleeping monster.

Of course one must also have no fear of catching a monster cold. Protective gear of the usual sort- gloves, mask, googles, etc.- will usually be sufficient, but may not be enough to protect you from the more serious monster colds.

In an effort to provide you with a real, authentic recipe for preparing Monster Snot, I went on such a trek. I travelled many a weary mile, trudged through swamps, crawled through caves, searched high and low. As I searched, I began to develop a scratch in my throat, a sniffle in my nose, and an ache in my bones.

And when I finally located my monster, he was awakened by my loud sniffling. He took one look at me with my swollen red nose, sunken eyes surrounded by deep black circles, and pale pasty skin, shrieked, and ran.

I had not the strength to carry on and was forced to go home to bed. And so I give you this recipe for real, authentic fake Monster Snot instead.

The Recipe:

1 pkg of lime Jello
1 cup plain, unsweetened applesauce
1/2 cup hot water
1/2 cup chilled lemon lime soda

Step 1: Pour Jello powder into a bowl, add hot water and stir until the Jello has dissolved
Step 2: Stir in 1 cup of applesauce (homemade or store bought)
Step 3: Stir in 1/2 cup cold lemon-lime soda, such as 7-Up
Step 4: Cover and chill over night or until set

Your basic Monster Snot is ready to be served and delicious just the way it is. But there are many things that you can do with it to dress it up.

Here I have chosen to add "booger chunks" for added flavour and texture. Some suggestions for booger chunks are raisins, glacé cherries, candied fruit peel, or chunks of apple. I found that the candied peel made the most realistic boogers and complemented the snot nicely.

I have presented it in a jar decorated with a snot stained handkerchief bearing the monogram of none other than the infamous Booger Monster himself.

To make the handkerchief, I cut a piece of paper towel in half, stained it with some water colour pencils in two shades of green, then added the monogram with a sharpie. (The watercolour pencils just happened to be handy, but I would recommend using paint or food colouring to make the process quicker and get a stronger colour.)

I finished it off by attaching a beautiful hand-drawn label and tying a green ribbon around the top.

I took the last photo with a flashlight shining on the jar to give a better impression of how wonderful this Monster Snot really looks. It has a very impressive neon green colour that doesn't really show in the photos.

Try adding some coconut "nose hair".

Or use garbage can candy to represent some of the assorted items that the monster sneezed out of his nose along with the snot, such as pop bottles, old sneakers and fish bones.

Or perhaps it was a senior monster who lost his dentures when he sneezed?

For an authentic, scraped-off-the-cave-floor look, you could add some chocolate cookie crumbs and gummy worms (not shown).

Looking through the assortment of candies I purchased for all the brilliant things I thought I was going to be making before I caught my "monster cold", I came across some gummy frogs and Finish Fish. Which gave me the idea for another quick variation.

Just add a frog and some fish, some weeds made out of "Fruit by the Foot" and you get: Pond Scum! (And the Finish Fish were extremely delicious with the Monster Snot.)