Let's Cook Tofu Stir Fry

I dig tofu. Not a lot of people like it, but if you do, then I say "welcome tofu-brethren" and give you a high five.
I recently discovered a Thai restaurant in downtown Fredericksburg, and ordered drunken noodles. That was the first time I ever had tofu. After that, I was addicted to tofu.
I did many things that I'm not proud of for my tofu fix, and I would like to apologize to the nice lady who owns the Bangkok Cafe. Sorry for attempting to rob your restaurant of all the delicious tofu.
After getting out of tofu-rehab, I decided that I would start cooking my own. So my sous chef, and suite mate, Trevor and I decided to start our own tofu lab. This is our story. It's a tale of friendship, fate, and most importantly, tofu.

This should really be based on your preference. There is no "right" set of ingredients, but as this is my recipe, I'll start by recommending some of my favorites.

•Tofu (who would've thought tofu stir fry had tofu in it?) I would recommend firm tofu, because the weaker varieties can sometimes crumble when you're draining it. You can replace the tofu with actual meats, if that's what you're into. Just make sure they're fully cooked.
• Carrots. They help you see in the dark, and they may or may not give you super powers.
•You'll need a little bit of salt for the tofu.
•An onion. Remember: onions are like ogres. They have layers.
•A big red pepper.
•Broccoli.
•Peanut oil. Any sort of vegetable oil will suffice, I just think peanut oil tasted best for this. Get the smallest container you can find, as it's pretty expensive and you won't need a lot.
•Some stir fry sauce.

This is meant to be the most dangerous part of the expedition. So, if you don't fight at least three ninjas, a pirate, and a Viking warlord, you may need to have a do-over.

If you don't plan on using tofu in your stir fry, go ahead and skip this step.

Take your tofu. Most tofu comes in plastic containers so you'll need to drain over the sink.

Put some paper towels on a plate. Sprinkle the towels with some salt, and lay the tofu on it. Then cover the top of the tofu with more paper towels. Don't buy cheap paper towels as they might get stuck to the tofu.

After that, cover the top towel with something heavy. I'm in college so I have a surplus of heavy books. The knowledge from the book will seep into the tofu and make you smarter when you eat it.

Essentially, what you're doing is crushing the water out of the tofu. You're showing the tofu who's boss.

While the tofu is busy being crushed to death, you get to take a break. Make some tea, go for a smoke break, write a poem. Do whatever you feel like, but make sure you check on the tofu every now and then. You may need to replace the towels when they soak through.

Change into your chefs outfit. Mine is a flannel bathrobe. Great for dorm cooking.
Take all the vegetables and chop them up. Cut them thinly. Cut carrots into little slices the size of quarters, and cut onions into small strings. We want as much surface area as possible so that they'll fry better.
Now cut the tofu into little tofu nuggets. They should be a centimeter thick and of whatever size you feel would be the most tasty.
The smaller the tofu nuggets, the more crispy they'll be. So if you want very brown crispy tofu, make them very small, maybe an inch wide. If you want chewy, non crunchy tofu, then make big chunks.

Toss the tofu in the frying pan with some peanut oil. Fry it, while constantly stirring it until it's a beginning to turn brown.
After it starts to turn brown, toss in your freshly chopped veggies, and fry them too.
Burn your hand. Swear profusely.
Drop in some stir fry sauce and mix it in. I don't generally add a whole lot, but add enough for your individual preferences.

Eat the tofu. Consume the evidence.

Hope you liked whatever this was. It's my first instructable, so y'know. Let me know what you guys think.