How to Breathe

Breathing is an essential life process. So why not optimize it to make your nasal holes bathe in their deserved glory after supporting your body the entire day?

all following content is intended to be satire, please seek the attention of a medical professional if you actually need assistance on breathing

(Your) nose

Mirror

This Instructables

Patience

Before we begin, you must self-diagnose what type of nose you have, as this is the main opening used to breath. (Mouths are overrated)

The first step is to identify your nose type. Grab a mirror and match your nose shape to one on the diagram below

Next is to identify your nostril type. Your nostril, if you were wondering is the opening of the nasal cavity and is mainly identified via size.

Choose based on nostril size relative to rest of nose.

1: Large

2: "Normal"

or 3: Practically non-existent

Practical sizing code is done so:

#(type)-#(size)

If you are #-3: seek medical attention

If you are a 9-1: wow

If you are anything else: continue reading

Many consider breathing an involuntary action, but the first step to better breathing is controlling your breath.

Actually, many already practice voluntary breathing, examples include:

1. Breathing exercises such as the 4-7-8 technique, where you inhale for 4 counts, hold for 7, and exhale for 8. This is said to strengthen your lungs and muscles.
2. Meditation often include some form of mindful breathing.

But these examples are done by normal people trying to improve their lives, physically or mentally. We however, are not just trying to improve our lives, but create the MOST efficient and BEST breathing method. This means taking voluntary breathing to its extremes. I have created three exercises based on starting level and nose type.

Beginner (#-2 type): Lung Collapses/60-120-3

Inhale for 60 seconds, hold for 120, and exhale in 3. This exercise practices lung collapse, and can prepare your lungs for aggressive impact.

Beginner (#-1 type) Nostril Inflation

Since #-1 types noses are usually easier to breathe through, practicing expanding your nose is key to exacerbating that edge you already have. Go to your closest party central and steal the helium canister. Next take a some used chewing gum and plug it into each nostril, while breathing through your mouth. Let harden for 2 days, then remove for your personalized nose molds. Plug these into two straws, one each, while the straws are warmed via heat gun or over a stove. Plug each straw into your nose, and then buy a two straws -> one straw adapter kit. Release helium through the canister and let fill into your respiratory system. 1 canister per day should further enlarge your nostril, after 1 week, re-mold with fresh gum so that the helium won't escape the tubes.

Advanced (Any Type) Mariana Trench Deep Breathing

Inhale for 1 day, hold for 1 week, exhale in 1 day.

Train this while under water.

These practices may be challenging for some, so there may be better ways to make breathing easier.

Lung Expansion

1. Use a pencil to push your epiglottis away, or permanently scar it, allowing you to aspirate (eat stuff and make it end up in your lungs)
2. Eat a whole cabbage every day
3. In 2-3 years:

After doing the above practices in heavy repetition there are three results.

Pass away: RIP

Pass out: Sweet Dreams

Bloated lungs and overpowered breathing: good job